Communication and Relationships

 

I've been thinking a lot about maintaining strong relationships during trials. What is it that keeps people together when it would be easier to drift apart or walk away? Why do people stay and fight for a relationship? What do they get out of staying together? 

Every relationship will have its peaks and valleys. Every relationship will bring joy and sorrow. How we navigate both strengthens or destroys the relationship. 

According to thehealthyjournal.com close to 70% of relationships fail within the first year, while 40% of marriages end in divorce. The statistics for divorce increase to 50%+ for occupations such as military personnel, health care workers, and law enforcement. Those are staggering numbers to me. Marriages are falling apart at an alarming rate: 2.3 persons per 1,000 people. Even more surprising to me is that divorces amongst people aged 50+ years are rising. The US divorce rate is the third highest in the world with the average length of a marriage in the US lasting 19.9 years. What is happening to our relationships?

There is a plethora of articles and books on the topic of strengthening relationships and marriages. In each there are lists of some common reasons that marriages fail: Infidelity, financial challenges, communication problems, abuse and addiction are on every list. I think most of us know someone in our lives that has lost a relationship due to one or more of these reasons. These challenges aren't specific to failed marriages: familial relationships, friendships, even business partnerships can fall apart due to any one of these reasons. I understand that any of these reasons can present legitimate reasons to end a relationship. Each relationship is unique and may end differently for each person. There is no judgment on my part regarding those dealing with difficult relationship issues, I've not walked in your shoes, so I have no room to judge. 

My goal in studying this topic is to strengthen my own relationships, to protect them as much as possible from falling apart. I find myself in a new stage of life as a retired empty nester with some interesting physical challenges and a desire to make the most out of every moment. I'm lucky to have a husband I love and enjoy spending time with. I have adult children that still like me which I consider a bonus blessing. I have family and friends I truly enjoy and love, and I'd like to keep it that way, so I'm doing the work to insure that.

I focused on communication this time. It's one of the challenges I've always felt there was plenty of room for improvement in.

First, I came across the quote at the top of the blog: 

To love someone is to learn the song in their heart and sing it to them when they have forgotten it. 

My studies led me to discover that I need to work on being a different type of listener. I need to listen more and talk less to get to know the hearts of others. I don't need to listen to give them advice or try to fix them, which is sometimes hard for me as I have a fixer personality, I need to listen so that when they need me to, I can sing the song of their heart to them.

The people in my life are good people, with loving and wise hearts. The truth is they usually know the answer to their problems, they just need to talk it out with someone. My opinion isn't as important as letting them find the answers for themselves. Voltaire said, "The secret of being boring is to say everything." I don't want to be boring! So, more listening, less fixing.

Second, I learned that I need to be mindful of the words I choose to speak. I choose whether I leave others better or worse off with the words I use. When I was managing the bookstore, I had quotes all over my office on sticky notes to help me stay focused on being the best leader I could be. One of those quotes was, "Be careful with your words. Once they are said, they can only be forgiven, not forgotten." - Unknown. Another was, "One kind word can change someone's entire day." - Unknown.

I'm a believer that no matter how short an interaction is with someone it can be impactful, so let it be a positive experience. Something as small as a "Good morning" with a smile can make a difference. It can mean stepping out of our comfort zone sometimes to do this with strangers, but it's totally worth it to see them smile back at you in surprise.

It's important to let people know you see them; this includes those we call our family and friends. It's easy to get lazy in our conversations with those closest to us. And many times, our harshest words are spoken to them. Give the special people in your life your best words. Give them no doubt of your love for them. This is my goal with choosing my words mindfully.

Third, emotions are a powerful part for all involved in communicating. I found this excerpt from Exploring Relationship Dynamics interesting:

Emotions serve important functions in our relationships and lives. Effectively communicating emotions takes awareness and understanding of communication strategies. Emotional intelligence can be learned and is important to our emotional well-being. 

Emotional intelligence is defined as the ability to understand and manage your own emotions, as well as recognize and influence the emotions of those around you. (Harvard Business School)

A high EQ (emotional intelligence) helps you to build relationships, reduce stress, defuse conflict and improve life satisfaction. Sounds great! How do I improve my emotional intelligence?

According to the Harvard Professional Development article, How to Improve Your Emotional Intelligence here are three ways to start improving your EQ:

1. Recognize your emotions and name them. Taking a moment to name your feelings and temper your reactivity is an integral step towards emotional intelligence.

Example: If you are feeling angry, and you recognize it, you have the ability to say you need to step away to gather yourself to prevent any escalation in the situation on your part.

2. Ask for feedback. It may not always be what you want to hear, but it will often be what you need to hear.

Example: Ask colleagues, friends, or family how you respond to difficult situations, how adaptable or empathetic you are, and/or how you handle conflict.

3. Read literature. Studies show that reading literature with complex characters can improve empathy. Reading stories from other people's perspectives helps us gain insight into their thoughts, motivations, and actions and may help enhance your social awareness.

Example: Religious differences can be a hot topic. If you read something from the other person's perspective, it could help you to understand where they are coming from and improve your conversations with them.

"One of the best things you can do for yourself, and your relationship is to learn how to take control of your emotions." - Michael Barbarulo, 50+ Ways to Keep Drama Out of Your Relationship

Fourth, I need to communicate with God often. Improving my relationship with God will create opportunities for self-improvement and an awareness of the needs of those around me. Knowing God helps me to love others more fully, to help me see their hearts as He does. To improve communications with God I need to:

Pray Often 

Ephesians 6:18 - Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints:

Read the Scriptures 

2 Timothy 3:16-17 All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness: That the man of God may be perfect, throughly furnished unto all good works.

Serve others

Isaiah 1:17 Learn to do well; seek judgment, relieve the oppressed, judge the fatherless, plead for the widow.

I've got work to do! It will be worth it to safeguard my relationships. I'm sure there will be times I will put my foot in my mouth and have to regroup. Lucky for me those I want to work on my relationships with love me as much as I love them and are pretty great at forgiving me and giving me the chance to grow. They make my heart a better place, I hope I can do the same for them when the time comes.