Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire

 The truth may hurt for a little while, but a lie hurts forever.

 - Unknown

We live in a world where lying is a regular occurrence. You don't have to take my word on this, just check out the current headlines and you'll see what I mean. 

If truth be told, we all lie now and then. According to research, the average person lies 0 to 2 times a day. The most common motive for lying is self-preservation or a defense against the fear of punishment of oneself or others. Sometimes a lie is told to protect the feelings of others or to avoid an embarrassing conversation. And then there are lies told simply to have others think better of the person telling the lie. 

I think of the child that lies because they don't want to get into trouble. Or the friend or spouse that asks you a question and you know if you told the truth, it would hurt their feelings. These are tough situations and I have some compassion for those that find themselves facing these dilemmas. I'm not excusing these types of lies, but I think most of us can understand why these lies are told.

There are darker lies, those that are told with the intention of taking advantage of someone, manipulating them, or controlling them. There is no excuse for these types of lies. These lies are abusive and nothing good comes from them. And although all lies aren't great and can create a breach of trust, these darker lies can cause deep damage to our relationships, the kind of damage that is not easily repaired.

Lying isn't something new, it's been around since people have been around. Think of Satan telling his lies in the Garden of Eden or the church leaders lying about Christ. There are plenty of biblical accounts of lying and the consequences that can come from lying. The scriptures tell us:

Proverbs 19:9 - A false witness shall not be unpunished, and he that speaketh lies shall perish.

Proverbs 12:2 - Lying lips are abomination to the LORD: but they that deal truly are his delight.

Ephesians 4:25 - Wherefore putting away lying, speak every man truth with his neighbor: for we are members one of another.

Exodus 20:16 - Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.

There are many more scriptures relating to lying, it has obviously been a problem among men for a long time. You would think that after all these years we would have learned the lessons that the truth WILL come out, lying HAS consequences, and it's just better NOT to lie. As a species we are definitely slow to learn in some areas. 

Here's a thought to remember if we are tempted to lie: If something isn't true, don't say it!

What can we do if we do lie?

Inc.com has an article titled '5 Steps to Save Your Reputation When You're Caught Lying' that tries to help people recover from being dishonest. Here are the 5 steps they suggest:

1. Own Up to IT. Extending the lie with even more dishonesty will only make things worse for you. Instead swallow your pride and admit to the fact that you were deceitful and wrong. Nipping things in the bud is necessary - we all know that lies can quickly spiral out of control. If you weren't actually caught in a lie, you still need to own it and it's best to do this within 3 days of the lie. The longer you wait, the harder it is to own it.

2. Apologize. It's important that you apologize for your dishonesty - no matter how minor and futile it seems to you. Lying is wrong and other people are completely entitled to feel hurt by what you did. Lying is something that deserves a heartfelt, sincere apology - regardless of how insignificant you think your dishonesty was. It's the right thing to do. Be sure to make eye contact during your apology so the victim of your lie can tell you are telling the truth.

3. Avoid Excuses but Provide Explanation. It can be tempting to offer up all sorts of justifications for why you lied, truth is, excuses won't get you anywhere. Excuses are self-serving, while an explanation offers some context so that someone can see the situation from your perspective. Use I-statements to keep the focus on what you did. (i.e., I felt like you wouldn't understand). 

4. Do Damage Control. The likelihood is high that someone was negatively impacted by your decision to be dishonest. Listen to what the other person has to say and acknowledge their feelings. Let them know that you know that lying is wrong. Explain what you'll do differently in the future. Step up and bear the burden for your own bad decision - nobody else's - and do what it takes to make it right.

5. Avoid it in the Future. You don't want to go from an occasional fibber to a pathological liar, so do your best to be honest moving forward.  Follow through on your promises to earn back the trust you've lost. And if you slip and lie again start the process all over again.

I would like to add to their suggestions that you give the other person time to process. Forgiving someone can take time and they deserve your patience through this process.

This is such a timely topic. I've been trying to make sense of the lies being called out lately and why it's so rampant in our society. I don't think there's just one solution to fix this. It will take a lot of effort on everyone's part to create an honest society. 

There are a few things we can do to start this process. We need to get back to teaching that honesty is an important virtue and hold those that choose to be dishonest accountable. We need to practice being honest ourselves and be an example to those around us. We need to own our mistakes and make amends so that others see we live what we preach.

Honesty is part of what builds strong people and lasting relationships. It's hard sometimes but learning to be honest during the tough situations builds the skills we need to be the people we need to be. If we are going to call out other people's dishonesty, we better be sure that we have our own affairs in order.

Intentional honesty is on my radar. I hope that other's see me as an honest person, and if they don't, I hope they will at least give me the chance to make it right. It's important to me. It's important to God. It's important for a successful society.