Civility is a Choice

Civility, is it really that important? 

I’ve been thinking a lot about this question lately. Anyone who lives in this world and sees what is happening in our society will understand why this topic has weighed on me. It seems that being civil to one another isn't as important as it used to be. In fact, it often feels like a free-for-all society with only oneself as carrying importance. This feels short sighted to me and in my desire to live intentionally it appears a worthy topic to research.

I begin my research with the definition of civility. I started with the worldly view.

Civility is defined by Merriam-Webster as: civilized conduct, especially courtesy and politeness. The Institute for Civility in Government defines it as: claiming and caring for one's identity, needs and beliefs without degrading someone else's in the process. And on the Ethics Sage blog civility is described as the quality of our behavior with others in our community.

Courtesy, politeness, caring, without degrading, quality behavior, community. These are all words that create a sense of selflessness and seeing beyond oneself. Behaving in a way that builds others up instead of tearing them down. It sounds like behavior that would lead to some interesting conversations and opportunities to learn. Too bad we aren't seeing more of these behaviors in our society right now.

I was curious what God had to say on this topic. So, I opened my scriptures and began my search.  It appears God has plenty to say on this topic.

Colossians 4:6 - "Let your speech be alway with grace, seasoned with salt, that ye may know how ye ought to answer every man." 

2 Timothy 2:23-25 - "But foolish and unlearned questions avoid, knowing that they do gender strifes. And the servant of the Lord must not strive; but be gentle unto all men, apt to teach, patient, in meekness instructing those that oppose themselves; if God peradventure will give them repentance to the acknowledging of the truth;"

Galatians 5:22-23 - "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance: against such there is no law."

Romans 12:10 - "Be kindly affectioned one to another brotherly love; in honour preferring one another;"

Ephesians 4:32 - "And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you."

Matthew 5:43-44 - "Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbor, and hate thine enemy. But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;"

There are more scriptures that address civility, but I think these give you the gist of what God thinks about how we should conduct ourselves with one another. No where in these verses do I see that we should be yelling or belittling each other. In fact, they state a gentle, loving approach to everyone is best, including with our enemies or those we perceive as our enemies.

The author Dana Perino once stated, "I get a choice every time I have to open my mouth: that it can be with civility and dignity and grace - or not... Civility is a choice." This is a true statement for all of us. We choose how we behave with others, we help lead a conversation with our own words and actions. Our ability to be civil is on us. If we find ourselves losing control of that ability, then we need to self correct. This is not always easy, especially when a topic can lead to passionate discussion. Emotions can get the best of us sometimes. But if our goal is to help someone understand our viewpoint, letting emotions like frustration and anger take over is a sure way to kill the opportunity.

I read this question somewhere, I don't really remember the source, but I wrote it down because it gave me pause to reflect on my own behavior.

 Is your civility limited to whether or not you agree with the other person? 

Disagreeing isn't a crime, it's a fact of life that we won't always agree with each other. We have to learn to react to the disagreements in a positive way. To be honest I have struggled with others not seeing things the way I do. In my arrogance I have not taken the time to understand why someone would think the way they do. Thankfully with age and experience I am getting better at this. I'm more willing to take the time to understand and listen to how they reached their opinion. We all come from different backgrounds and experiences that help mold us into the person we are today. When I disregard others opinions, then I am diminishing their experiences. The same is true when others disregard my opinions. That makes it personal and emotions take over and any learning from each other is out the door.

Firstamendmentmuseum.org has an article titled 10 Tips to a Civil Conversation - and, actually change someone's mind. It was written to help with contentious family get-togethers (who hasn't been there!), but I think it works for many situations. Here's the basics of the article:

1. Prepare ahead of time. Know what you believe and make sure you have a logical basis for that belief based on data, facts, and sound reasoning. Research counterarguments to your beliefs and see if you can rationally negate these arguments. Do not regurgitate sound bites, studies, headlines, lectures, or other people, without making sure you have researched and understand the methodology of how this information came about. Do your homework!

2. Make your conversation partner feel heard. Speak at a normal volume. Avoid terms like "debate" and "argument". Body language is a powerful tool - sit comfortably, breathe normally, uncross your arms, and do not roll your eyes or make antagonizing gestures.

3. Set aside your passion. Your passion and emotions can cloud your judgment, communication, and ability to stay calm. Learning to set aside your passions will help you become more calm and collected.

4. Establish common ground. Find facts, realities, and values that you and your partner share to establish a firm basis to move forward.

5. Admit when they make a good point. Doing this shows you are a good-faith communicator who seeks to live out your values rather than win an argument. Refusing to concede any decent point the other side makes will not convince anyone that you are genuinely seeking out what's best for everyone.

6. Talk at their level. If you find yourself in a situation where you are knowledgeable on a topic, but you're communicating with someone who is not, refrain from using jargon, esoteric language, and academic phraseology. You want to remain understandable and approachable.

7. Ask questions. If you are unclear on what someone is saying or trying to advocate for - ask clarifying questions. This will help you understand why they think the way they do and give you an understanding of someone's core principles.

8. Let the other person speak...even if they talk...a lot. One of the most effective ways to demonstrate conversing in good faith and listening to your partner is to let them speak. This takes practice.

9. Don't be afraid to disengage.  A civil conversation is productive when it ends in consensus. Avoid talking in circles. It may be necessary to take a step back and return to the discussion later. Disengaging doesn't mean you are running away or giving up, but rather it gives both you and the other person time to calm down, gather your thoughts, and give sincere consideration to what the other person has said so far.

10. Understand it may take more than one conversation. It is unusual for someone to change their mind overnight, but perhaps you can help them to respect your point of view. One conversation is not going to erase a lifetime of opinions.

Civility is hard work. Beyond being polite and respectful, civility also includes engaging in robust, and respectful debate, and actively listening to various viewpoints without attacking one's character. (https://www.ncsl.org)

The practice of civility can lead to a sense of worth, value, and equality. It can bring about amazing opportunities to learn and to teach. Learning to have civil interactions with those that disagree with our point of view brings personal growth. Civility builds strong families, cities, states, and nations. We build better relationships when we are civil with each other. 

I started this research with the question of whether civility was really important. I believe it is. This is something we need to be teaching in our homes, schools, and communities. If we can get back to valuing civility, I think it's a good step towards healing the world we live in. I'm willing to do my part and work on improving my skills at having civil interactions in the hope that each interaction can lead to healing the rifts we see today. Civility is a choice, choose wisely.